This Rainy Night

As storm clouds gather
cooling winds grow
gently bringing the evening sprinkle
of greening summer's rains
I carry my weary bared feet
over shattered shells
and dirty sand calling the crew to cover

Sitting in my crippled wooden chair
I kick over my worn soft sandals
slowly roll the ragged straps over dirty feet
Walking on asphalt needs more
than tired bones and calloused heels
I call to me the loyal Lord Hugo
my stormy evening walking partner,
always at my side.

Together we pass through
the safety of an oak door
into the darkness of night, rain and wind
to, maybe, find the breath of
One we've both grown to miss
Maybe, his face will shine out
from behind the clouds
upon the gleaming disc of Luna
On in the momentary fiery flash
of a lightening burst across the darkening sky.

Lord Hugo's platter-like paws
splash small waves across my sandals
as we tread through tall grass
cross the rain-silvery rails
make way through crunching gravel
wade through flooding streets
stop to look up at street lights,
colored stars on black lines dancing on the wind
so festive and out of season.

Such a warm night, such a cold rain
yet, no tender voice upon the whipping wind
no soft whisper floating on the chilled rain
no warm touch afloat the drifting leaves
not a single glimmer the shadowed moon
nor a single lingering fiery flash burning across the night.

Ah, but it's so good to walk,
to walk, in the wind, in the rain,
passing lonely strangers on teh street
they cannot see with lowered heads
see where raindrops end their cold dropping
and teardrops begin their burning falling
Lord Hugo must the lead me on now
I no longer can find my way
The rain, yes it's so, clouds my sight,
This rainy night. 

dragonwyke    8/30/2013

Angel Brought the Greenman

'Lena came for a visit day before yesterday and was here all day long.  She was a bratty joy, as usual.  Kept busy and smiling, full of hugs and laughter, conversation and giggles, questions and kisses.  I don't think I'd spent a happier day in months upon months.  Around 230 in the afternoon she came to me all cranky, carrying her blankie, clinging to my skirts,

"Gwamma, I weally need a gwammanap!  Can you gimme one? ... pweeze!"

So I gave her my hand and she gently put her tiny fingers inside mine and we trailed off to my room.  We put in a movie that we missed entirely, can't even remember what it was, and snuggled up under the covers.  She curled up right next to me under my arm, sucking her thumb and fell right  to sleep mumbling,

"I love you so much Gwamma!  I weally miss Gwampa tho, I wish he sweeped wif us 'sted 'o the moon."

And then she was sleeping.  Not moments later, so was I.  Then in my sleep the GreenMan came, bringing with him joy and tears and sorrow. 

We were all, Joe, and I and all the girls and their boyfriends and the kids were sitting at the table sharing dinner.  His favorite, pasta with all the fixin's, meatballs, sausage, thick red sauce, garlic toast, olive oil for dipping, there was chianti in glasses.  I was a fine Italian feast just the way he loved it.  Everyone was talking and laughing and lightly arguing, as our family is wont to do.  He was smiling and so happy, standing and refilling glasses, passing dishes.  I can't remember the last time I'd seen him so happy  He even had his front teeth back that got knocked out at work when a 250lb box slipped off the steel when he was putting up stock one day and it fell onto his face. 

I was watching him and thinking how really strong and beautiful he is.  How thick and shining his hair and beard were, how beautiful, just beautiful his hands were.  Just like my Grandfather's hands were so many years ago.  He sat down to his plate and I caught his hand.  I swear, it was warm and living in mine.  I rubbed the skin with my thumb feeling the thickness again, not the boniness of ill health.  He was a living man again, in my hands.  I could feel myself begin to breathe again, like a glass breaking and icy water spilling out onto the floor, free and rushing out all at once.  He's here, again!

"O, I miss you!  I miss you so much!  Where have you been?"

"I miss you too honey!  Don't worry, I'm okay"  he smiled at me with those beautiful hazel blue eyes twinkling at me.

Then he lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles with a whisper soft kiss.  He turned over my hand, spread open my palm and lay his whiskered cheek in my hand slowly turning his face till his lips touched my palm, tenderly placed a kiss there too.  This is how he always kissed me, all our life together.  So soft, so tender, so romantically sweet. 

Then after a time we had an after dinner smoke outside in the dooryard.  We stood in the cool air.  Looking at the dark sky, the beautiful shining stars, the big beautiful nearly full moon, breathing in the scent of blooming jasmine, gardenia, and honeysuckle.  We held hands and stood together, leaning our shoulders together.  Enough time must've passed, though forever is too short a time for me, because he turned to me and pulled me close hugging me hard.  He pushed my hair back from my face, kissed my forehead, my eyes, my cheeks and finally my lips.  Such a loving, sweet, lover's kiss we might've shared 27yrs ago.  I began to cry, because I knew.  I asked him,

"Please, stay.  Can't you stay?  I need you so.  I love you!"

He said,

"I love you.  I'll see you 'round, don't you worry.  You'll be fine."

Then he turned, trailing my hand, and disappeared in the scent of blooming jasmine, gardenia and honeysuckle. 

I woke to 'Lena wiping my tears telling me,

"It's okay Gwamma, we will see Gwampa agin.  He visits me awda time!  You don't hafta cwy."

So, my little Angel brings my GreenMan to visit.

I Made It After All

i happened to be out w/my daughter Zee today looking for a decent pair of sneakers that wouldn't fall apart on me. found a pair of sketchers (love 'em) at Ross for $25 (great deal). i happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror as i walked past (i'm not used to looking in mirrors, i hate them) and had to walk back to it for a second look.

i look funny in my clothes now. i usually dress sort of frumpy anyway, that's just the way i dress, so it wasn't that. i'm only 5' tall and i haven't grown since i was 12yrs old so it wasn't that. i haven't colored my hair in over 5mos and i knew it was graying pretty good, so it wasn't that. i knew i'd lost about 20lbs over the last 6mos, so no it wasn't that either. i stood there looking and wondering what was wrong, why i looked so odd. sort of worn, tired, older, smaller....what...oh...that's it.... like my mother.

i look like my mother. after all these years, after all the work, the kids, the moving, the jobs, the disability, the divorce, the 2 marriages, and now finally, finally the worst loss of all, losing my husband to death, i am my mother. how funny, how strange, how ironic, how sad, and, really, how wonderful that i made it after all. i really am just that strong after all.

The Cheshire Cat Spoke to Me

the cheshire cat said to alice, "You've lost your Muchness..." when i heard that at the theater when i saw the movie, i thought it was the greatest line. i understood it perfectly. i've always had so much MUCHNESS about me. joe always appreciated that about me. he called it "Your Tiger" or "Your Dragon". he'd would always tell me "Your dragon is breathing fire today" or "Your tiger is on the loose today". when i had to be medicated for epilepsy the meds tamed my wild beasts and my muchness got a little smaller but it was still there and came out when something or someone i loved was threatened, and he loved that too. but i noticed something this morning about 4am when i was outside waiting for Maggie to find her way back to the porch in the dark.

i only have a thimbleful of it left. for the first since i was maybe 12yrs old i was actually afraid. i jumped at noises in the dark, i backed away from shadows under the trees, i didn't go into the back yard like usually do, it was too dark and too many "things" were moving in the breeze, i was utterly, utterly alone....

i was afraid, fearful, skittery, jumpy, atremble, all those words you use for someone who can't take care of themselves. for the first time ever, the cheshire cat spoke to me and said,

"You've lost your Muchness...where is your Jabberwocky?"

Breaking Down

well, i just finished putting out all my santas and my tc timber wooden train set for the holiday. we will be opening presents tomorrow on the Yule so i had to get them all out tonight. it was nice seeing all these old things again. i see them every year, some since the kids were babies, like the train set. but this year it's a little different. this year is the very first time joe isn't here to watch me unwrap them and marvel that none are broken, or appreciate the "new" old ones we aquired, or look at the neat ones my cousin gave me 'again', or redirect my clumsy efforts, or help me put together the little trees that go w/the bigger santas.

he wasn't here to look at it all finished and tell me what a great job i did, give me a big hug and ask me if i wanted to screw santa under the tree again this year, lol, while he wiggled his eyebrows at me. he's not gonna take my hand and take me to bed and watch some corny chick flick w/me tonight either.

sometimes i think i'll get thru a whole day w/out breaking down, but i think i might make it a few hours every day before the tears begin. i get distracted. i seem to get lost in my day. i tend to run out of air and have to remind myself to breathe again. i sometimes find myself standing in the middle of the room and dogs are all standing there looking at me and i have to wonder how long i've been there, because i honestly don't remember i've been lost in thought remembering joe so long. i started going thru his things, couldn't do it. it's all right there in the bedroom where he left it. i found love songs on his computer in file marked Maria, i listened to all of them. some of them so beautiful it was like watching the moon rise on a clear winter night.

ahhhh, i don't know. i just don't know.

Just a Thought

Change, no matter how difficult or heartbreaking the transition may be, is a necessary part of living. And is almost always a good thing. There are always lessons to be taken away and learned, walls to be broken down or built up, lives to be restored or let go. And hope. There is always the hope that tomorrow when the sun rises we can be better people, feel stronger, be more spiritually generous, care more, hurt less, and maybe just see and feel more beauty for just one more day.

My Sweetest Love

Oh, how I love you,
I miss you like the grasses
miss the winds.
The beauty has all gone and faded
for you are the one that brought
the color to the darkling skies.
Where have all the rains gone
Changed to tears gone salty and so
sad upon my cheek
So sad I cannot speak
My heart lies split and bleeding
dying on the floor
And yet the morning sun
will rise
and find me still alive
Blood and tears will dry
yet still
I will cry for I do love you
Oh how I miss you
I can never find you
tho I will look on every wind
you will carry my tears away
Goodbye, Goodbye,
My sweetest love.

dragonwyke 12162012