I Made It After All

i happened to be out w/my daughter Zee today looking for a decent pair of sneakers that wouldn't fall apart on me. found a pair of sketchers (love 'em) at Ross for $25 (great deal). i happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror as i walked past (i'm not used to looking in mirrors, i hate them) and had to walk back to it for a second look.

i look funny in my clothes now. i usually dress sort of frumpy anyway, that's just the way i dress, so it wasn't that. i'm only 5' tall and i haven't grown since i was 12yrs old so it wasn't that. i haven't colored my hair in over 5mos and i knew it was graying pretty good, so it wasn't that. i knew i'd lost about 20lbs over the last 6mos, so no it wasn't that either. i stood there looking and wondering what was wrong, why i looked so odd. sort of worn, tired, older, smaller....what...oh...that's it.... like my mother.

i look like my mother. after all these years, after all the work, the kids, the moving, the jobs, the disability, the divorce, the 2 marriages, and now finally, finally the worst loss of all, losing my husband to death, i am my mother. how funny, how strange, how ironic, how sad, and, really, how wonderful that i made it after all. i really am just that strong after all.

The Cheshire Cat Spoke to Me

the cheshire cat said to alice, "You've lost your Muchness..." when i heard that at the theater when i saw the movie, i thought it was the greatest line. i understood it perfectly. i've always had so much MUCHNESS about me. joe always appreciated that about me. he called it "Your Tiger" or "Your Dragon". he'd would always tell me "Your dragon is breathing fire today" or "Your tiger is on the loose today". when i had to be medicated for epilepsy the meds tamed my wild beasts and my muchness got a little smaller but it was still there and came out when something or someone i loved was threatened, and he loved that too. but i noticed something this morning about 4am when i was outside waiting for Maggie to find her way back to the porch in the dark.

i only have a thimbleful of it left. for the first since i was maybe 12yrs old i was actually afraid. i jumped at noises in the dark, i backed away from shadows under the trees, i didn't go into the back yard like usually do, it was too dark and too many "things" were moving in the breeze, i was utterly, utterly alone....

i was afraid, fearful, skittery, jumpy, atremble, all those words you use for someone who can't take care of themselves. for the first time ever, the cheshire cat spoke to me and said,

"You've lost your Muchness...where is your Jabberwocky?"

Breaking Down

well, i just finished putting out all my santas and my tc timber wooden train set for the holiday. we will be opening presents tomorrow on the Yule so i had to get them all out tonight. it was nice seeing all these old things again. i see them every year, some since the kids were babies, like the train set. but this year it's a little different. this year is the very first time joe isn't here to watch me unwrap them and marvel that none are broken, or appreciate the "new" old ones we aquired, or look at the neat ones my cousin gave me 'again', or redirect my clumsy efforts, or help me put together the little trees that go w/the bigger santas.

he wasn't here to look at it all finished and tell me what a great job i did, give me a big hug and ask me if i wanted to screw santa under the tree again this year, lol, while he wiggled his eyebrows at me. he's not gonna take my hand and take me to bed and watch some corny chick flick w/me tonight either.

sometimes i think i'll get thru a whole day w/out breaking down, but i think i might make it a few hours every day before the tears begin. i get distracted. i seem to get lost in my day. i tend to run out of air and have to remind myself to breathe again. i sometimes find myself standing in the middle of the room and dogs are all standing there looking at me and i have to wonder how long i've been there, because i honestly don't remember i've been lost in thought remembering joe so long. i started going thru his things, couldn't do it. it's all right there in the bedroom where he left it. i found love songs on his computer in file marked Maria, i listened to all of them. some of them so beautiful it was like watching the moon rise on a clear winter night.

ahhhh, i don't know. i just don't know.

Just a Thought

Change, no matter how difficult or heartbreaking the transition may be, is a necessary part of living. And is almost always a good thing. There are always lessons to be taken away and learned, walls to be broken down or built up, lives to be restored or let go. And hope. There is always the hope that tomorrow when the sun rises we can be better people, feel stronger, be more spiritually generous, care more, hurt less, and maybe just see and feel more beauty for just one more day.

My Sweetest Love

Oh, how I love you,
I miss you like the grasses
miss the winds.
The beauty has all gone and faded
for you are the one that brought
the color to the darkling skies.
Where have all the rains gone
Changed to tears gone salty and so
sad upon my cheek
So sad I cannot speak
My heart lies split and bleeding
dying on the floor
And yet the morning sun
will rise
and find me still alive
Blood and tears will dry
yet still
I will cry for I do love you
Oh how I miss you
I can never find you
tho I will look on every wind
you will carry my tears away
Goodbye, Goodbye,
My sweetest love.

dragonwyke 12162012