Mental Pause

I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago. Not something I usually enjoy, but this visit was unusually pleasant. She didn't poke and prod, or stick things in me that obviously didn't fit. For a measly $168 and five minutes of her time she walked in and said,

"All your tests came back fine. You're right where you should be. You're perfectly healthy. Here are your regular 'scripts, we're all done." and turned around and walked back out the door she walked in through.

That was it. I had waited a full two hours and fifteen minutes to hear that, the money comes out of my insurance and bank account like shit out of a goose no matter how long she takes. But, lucky for me, the news was all good. Especially after the months of hypochondria I had previously spent. Let me in enlighten you.

I'm 48.5 years old. I have three daughters. Anyone with all sons, no daughters, sisters, granddaughters, nieces, girl relatives of any kind, please consider yourselves among the blessed of women. Female relatives are amongst the most vicious of creatures ever placed on the skin of the planet. I love my daughters, to the point of death. I truly mean that sometimes i could just kill them, slowly painfully, for all the mean things they tell me. But that would be illegal, and I enjoy my freedom.

But i digress.

At 48.5 years of age I suddenly came to the conclusion that I was well past being young anymore. I have to color my hair every month. I had to learn how to use makeup for "the middle-aged face", which by the way is much different than for a twenty something. I've always been a natural frump, so my clothing didn't change that much, but all of a sudden I was the grown up I never thought I'd see in the mirror. One day, just when I least needed to be reminded, my monthly visit from Aunt Flo didn't show up. My youngest daughter tells me,

"Guess it's time to break out the little broom and dust pan to collect all the dust backing up in there!" shakes her head and walks away.

I stand there dumbfounded that someone who supposedly loves me would say that. But of course, she's only nineteen, what could she possibly know. Until the next month rolls around, and no Aunt Flo again. My youngest strolls by, stops, looks at me, shakes her head and strolls off again cup of tea in hand.

"Getting old must be so difficult."

Now I do expect a fair amount of sympathy from someone. Maybe my oldest daughter, she's all of 23, maybe she has some feeling for me. We're standing on the front steps while I'm having a smoke and she's just home from work. I'm telling her about my missing visitor, and she pipes up and reminds me of some thing I was supposed to do. I tell her oh, I forgot to do that, i'll take care of it after supper tonight.

"Oh, don't worry about it mom, it's just that old mental-pause thing ya got going on! " and busts out laughing to point she falls off the step!

Okay, no sympathy there. Maybe Joe. My husband is almost always a good shoulder to cry on. One night we're in bed watching a movie. Some chick flick I think, because I was sitting there with tears standing on my cheeks, I hate that. He tells me he thinks I've been a little preoccupied lately and wonders why that might be. Now's my chance, so I tell him how I've been feeling so old and like a train wreck lately. My body doesn't feel like mine anymore, nothing is working the way it should, and then I start to cry for real, because suddenly it dawns on me that I really am getting older and I'm not okay with that.

He gently pulls me to his chest, he always smells so good and his arms are always so comforting. He brushes the tears from my cheeks and kisses my hair and lets me cry for a little bit. Somehow he always knows that sometimes just crying makes things better. Now I would really like to just stop right there and leave it to sound so sweet and wonderful, but that's not how it ended. There's always just one more thing.

He lifts up my chin and kisses me tenderly on the lips and says to me,

"It's okay honey, I'm not worried. I'll love you no matter how old and wrinkly you get. And if Aunt Flo never shows up again that's okay too! We can have ALOT more sex!"